that same cycle

I figured I would update seeing as how it's been a full 10 days. This particular picture doesn't have any significance to my post. It was taken the same day I wrote about in my last entry (the day that Scarlett came to Brandon's). I just love this picture so much. Scarlett is so adorable. She looks just like her daddy. She has the same colored eyes resting in the same squinted shape as his do. She has the same cute, wide nose. Her ears stick out the same ways his do and her mouth forms the same little curves as his. Her bottom lip is even slightly bigger, just as his is. I wish I could cuddle her forever and always.


The only really eventful things that have happened in these past ten days are when Brandon and I so much work for my dad. Brandon made $200 at the end of the week. Of course, I didn't make a dime. My dad feels that since I live at home I don't deserve to be paid. Even though he doesn't do much of anything for me. It's quite unfair, but I can't do much about it except complain and that's useless. Only 152 days until I can escape this place!  He still hasn't even taken me to enroll in school, which starts next week. And he wonders why I'm constantly behind?


I also started using Swaptree again. I absolutely love that site. I'm planning on getting the entire Harry Potter series from there by trading off books I don't read anymore. I've already traded for a really nice hard cover copy of the first book. I already have the 4th and 5th book in paperback. I really want all the hard cover copies, so I may trade them off for hard copies. I'm very picky with books for some reason. I love hard cover copies.


Other than that, the only interesting thing going on is my dad is going off the deep end. Adding to anxiety, depression, high blood pressure and other stuff my dad is now adding bipolar to his list of health problems. It stresses me out so much because he treats me like crap constantly and can never be nice to me. Not even for a single minute. And it makes me so mad and him and really feel like I hate him. But how are you supposed to feel that way about someone who could literally drop dead at any second? It's so baffling and it's such a tug a pull feeling in me. If I don't get pissed off at him, I feel like I have no self respect and like I'm letting someone walk all over me. I feel as if I have no backbone and I'm being taken advantage of. But when I get pushy with him or stick up for myself or talk to him negatively I feel bad. If he were to pass away anytime soon, I wouldn't want those memories to be the last ones. But how do you get through to someone like this? I just can't figure it out and it's driving me completely mad not knowing how to feel or what to do.